Attack Of The Squirrels!

by Jhet Bhlak on August 28, 2009

So a while back I read an article on MSN about squirrels and how to keep them out of your attic. It was mostly about how to humanely remove them but being the internet the comments section got a little…unruly let’s say. I don’t know why but this triggered a sadistic idea for a story. So I went ahead and wrote the story out the way I wanted it and posted it as a comment. I received some very entertaining comments from people who were duped and actually believed I was telling a true story. Anyway, here is the story I posted…

Attack of the squirrels!

I had a neighbor who hates squirrels. I saw him actually kick one off his deck one day and proceed to scream obscenities at it for the next 5 minutes. I thought it was pretty rude of him so I came up with an idea on how to get even. Every day after he left for work I’d spread some bird seed in his lawn and hide little caches of nuts under his deck and in the bushes in his house. Every day after work he’d come home and there would be more and more of the little guys running around his yard eating all the seeds I put there for them. He would get angrier each day. I think I could actually see his blood pressure rise as he was pulling into his driveway each night. It was hilarious to watch!

He tried chasing them a few times with a rake or shovel or whatever was handy but they were mostly too fast. He was totally losing it and it was great. I’d stop over on occasion and talk to him to see how he was doing with his squirrel problem. He couldn’t understand why they were in his yard all the time. It was so hard to not bust out laughing at him.

After that I stepped up my squirrel attack on him. I started throwing peanuts in his gutters and on his roof. It didn’t take them long to find those let me tell you! Nothing like seeing a dozen squirrels running across his rooftop every morning and night. He totally flipped. He was actually getting kinda scary. Totally twitchy and his face was always flush when I seen him. I started to feel a little bad for the guy and I was going to stop. But then I seen him kill another one of the furry little guys. So I kept feeding them instead.

Then one night I saw him in the store. He was buying a pellet gun. I remember thinking how wrong this guy was. I mean they’re just small animals! What right does he have to harm them like that! What kind of twisted jerk was this guy? I didn’t feel bad anymore. So I left the store and waited for him.

I was watching out the window when he got home and he didn’t waste any time. He started putting the pellet gun together. So I called 911 and told them my neighbor was going crazy and putting a gun together in his yard. I acted really hysterical and told them I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was still on the phone when he started screaming at the squirrels. I remember he said something like, “I’m gonna kill you, you little F’ers! You’re gonna F’ing die now!”  911 heard it too. I told them I was taking cover and hung up. I swear I never thought the police could get to our area that fast. It was astonishing! Thank God they did. I don’t think he actually had time to get any of the squirrels yet.

So three cop cars screech into his driveway and police officers jump out with guns drawn screaming at him to, “Drop the weapon! Put it on the ground now!” You should have seen the look on his face! My Lord it was priceless! He should have just dropped it but I think he was in shock or something. He had his hands up but he was still holding the pellet gun and trying to stammer something out to them. They kept yelling at him to drop the gun until one of them got tired of it I guess. I don’t know which one it was but one of the cops got him real good with a stun gun to the chest. ZAP! You should have heard the squeal he made! Oh My God! I nearly wet myself I was laughing so hard! I couldn’t breath! There wasn’t even much noise coming out of my mouth. That’s how hard I was laughing! And every time I’d make a noise from laughing it would remind me of the noise my neighbor made when he got zapped and would only make me laugh harder! I was rolling around on the floor by the window with tears just pouring outta my eyes. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. My stomach hurt for days after that. The only disappointing thing was that I didn’t get to see him cuffed and taken away.

His wife must have bailed him out because he was back home late that night. I kind of avoided him the next few days. I wasn’t sure if he knew I was the one who called the police or not. When I finally did talk to him again he didn’t say anything about it so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know it was me. He seemed very despondent too. Sort of like the fight had gone out of him I guess. I didn’t see him out in his yard very much either. Which made the whole ‘bring in the invading squirrels’ thing a little boring so I stopped feeding them.

Then in the middle of the night about a week later I was woken up by blaring sirens from fire trucks. So I stumble out of bed to see what the heck was going on. The neighbors house was blazing like a torch. That’s when the firemen started banging on my door. They made me leave my house and get a ways back while they put out the fire. It was really inconvenient! I actually had to sit outside for hours while they did their thing. My neighbor was in shock I think. He just sat there curled up in a ball the whole time silently weeping with his wife holding him from behind. I talked to her a little to see what happened but she had no idea at the time. She’s a really nice woman.

I didn’t see them for a few weeks after that but when I did I asked if they ever found out what caused the fire. It ended up that one of the squirrels chewed through a wire in the attic and started an electrical fire. They lost nearly everything. I have a hard time feeling bad for them though. It’s really all his fault anyway. If he hadn’t of been such a jerk to the squirrel on his deck none of this would have happened so it served him right. Anyway, if I start to feel myself having doubts about what I did all I have to do is think about him getting tazed. That always puts a smile on my face!

The End

Now here are some of the comments I received…

Comment 1: you ought to mind your own business.  What your neighbor does about his squirrel problem is none of your business, unless he starts shooting or poisoning them on your property.  What you did to him was wrong.

Squirrels can be a big problem. I like to feed the birds and have had to spend a lot of time and money squirrel-proofing.  The reds also like to try moving into my attic and an additional bucket load of time and money went into keeping them out.  They will kill and eat birds’ nestlings, in addition to raiding their eggs.

If you had mounted your "squirrel encouragement" campaign on me and I found out about it, it would become my primary mission to see you pay.  I would trap all your "friends" I could get, then wait until you were gone from your house.  Preferably on vacation.  Then I’d kick out a pane from one of your basement windows, dump in a couple hundred pounds of sunflower seed, and release all the squirrels through the hole in the window.  Then I’d block the hole shut.  Since you love squirrels so much and insist that everyone must live with them, YOU FIRST.  Practice as you preach!  And finally, I hope your neighbor finds out what you did and gets you back.  Even a good old-fashioned, well-deserved beating would be proper in this case!

Comment 2: What an astonishingly foolish person you are.  And what you did to that man was so much more wrong, mean, and hurtful than he did to the initial squirrel on his deck.   I wish I knew who you were so I could report you to the police.

Comment 3: Where do you live, buddy?  I’d be happy to bring the squirrels that are causing damage in my attic to your place.

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