Good Morning…NOT!

It all started last night when I was eating dinner. There I am inhaling a slice of pizza…nom nom nom CRUNCH! That crunch part…that was me biting my tongue. And yes it did make a crunching sound. So there I am with my tongue sticking out of my mouth bleeding into a hand towel, kicking the floor and trying to curse while also trying to keep my mouth shut so the food doesn’t fall out and the blood doesn’t get in. Fun. After I get the bleeding to stop and I finish dinner, I decide it would be a good idea to rinse my mouth out with some peroxide. If anyone tries to tell you peroxide doesn’t burn, punch them. So now I’m hunched over the bathroom sink trying to keep my mouth closed to make sure the cut gets thoroughly cleaned out while foaming at the mouth and trying to curse…again. Well now that the tongue issue is done with (for now), I’m thoroughly exhausted and head off to bed.

You do realize it’s not over with yet don’t you?

So. There I am at about 1am peacefully sleeping away, all thoughts of my sore tongue completely out of mind, romping in la la land. All of the sudden out of nowhere…WHAM!!! The most excruciatingly painful leg cramp that I have ever had takes hold of my calf and begins the process of de-manning me. Oh but wait! It gets even better! Not only has unholy hell been unleashed on my leg but that evil eye scratchy thing (basically my eyelid sticks to my cornea and rips it when I open my eyes), which has lain dormant for so long, decides that this is the precise moment to attack…in both eyes! This causes my tear ducts to kick into gear like a Supersoaker water gun on turbo boost. And of course my sinuses also go on overload trying to dump all this extra water out both nasal passages. Well at least I can curse now right?…BZZZZT! Wrong! After being bitten so hard, my tongue is pretty sore and it’s very difficult to talk. My curses come out more like, ”Mummr mumm um mmum!”, than anything truly comprehensible.

So. There I am rolling around in bed half naked, mostly blind, clutching my leg in pain, crying like a baby with snot running out of my nose and mewling like some retarded newborn calf. Oh yes…and it’s 1 am. Now all I have to do is hop to the bathroom on my good leg while trying to avoid falling down the stairs…blind of course. Well the good news is I made it to the bathroom and got cleaned up.

Good morning! Not!